Should I make them apologise to each other?

Not in the moment. A coerced apology teaches the word as a way to end trouble. Repair a few minutes later, when they can mean some of it, does more.

Is it normal for them to fight this much?

Frequent conflict between young siblings is extremely common, particularly when both are under five and the younger has become able to retaliate. Frequency is less informative than direction — whether it is easing or escalating over months.

How do I stop the older one always getting blamed?

Assume you missed the start, and respond to what happened rather than who you think began it. Handling the hurt first and the cause briefly avoids most of the unfairness that builds resentment.

Will they grow out of it?

Most of the volume goes as language and impulse control develop, and the relationship usually survives it well. What predicts the long-term relationship is much more about how conflict was handled than how much of it there was.

When it happens · 5 min read

Your children fight constantly and you are refereeing all day

Most days it is the noise that gets you rather than any individual incident — the sense of being an on-call judge in a court that never adjourns, ruling on a digger.

Some of this is unavoidable and some of it is being accidentally maintained by the refereeing itself, which is worth separating because only one of them is in your control.

Last updated August 3, 2026

Why it is worse than it is with friends

There is no incentive to settle. With a peer, the friendship is at stake and both children have reason to find a resolution. With a sibling the relationship is not going anywhere whatever happens, which removes the pressure that makes children compromise everywhere else.

A lot of it is a bid for you rather than for the object. Conflict that spikes the moment your attention goes elsewhere — a phone call, a work email, the other child — is usually about the attention. And it works, which is why it continues.

The dynamic changes sharply once the younger one can fight back. A sibling who can grab, hit and retaliate is a participant rather than a victim, and the assumption that the older child started it becomes wrong often enough to matter.

You almost always arrive after the beginning. Most interventions are based on the part you saw, which is usually the retaliation rather than the provocation. Children notice this quickly, and it is a real and legitimate grievance.

What actually reduces it

Resist adjudicating. Deciding who was right requires facts you do not have, and it teaches both children to argue their case to you rather than to each other. "You two need to sort out the digger" is often the more useful sentence, and it gets easier to say with practice.

Attend to the hurt child first. Keep the response to the one who caused it short, calm and boring. Attention is the currency here, and the ordinary instinct — turning immediately to the aggressor — spends it in exactly the wrong place.

Repeat simple rules rather than explaining them, especially with younger pairs. "We do not hit" repeated consistently does more at this age than any reasoning about why, which lands years later.

Give each of them something the other cannot take. Ten minutes each, alone, reliably, does more for sibling conflict than any rule about sharing — because a good deal of the fighting is a competition for exactly that.

Protect a few possessions from sharing entirely. A child who must share everything has no experience of ownership to be generous from.

Avoid comparisons completely, including favourable ones. "Why can't you be more like your sister" and "he's the easy one" are both heard as ranking, and both get remembered a very long time.

The line, and the part nobody admits

Safety is not in the ignore-it category. Hitting, kicking, biting and throwing get a calm, immediate physical response rather than being waited out.

Worth raising with your pediatrician if one child is consistently frightened of the other, if conflict routinely produces injury beyond a red mark, if aggression is escalating across months rather than easing as language grows, or if it is showing up outside the home as well as inside it.

And the honest one: relentless rivalry is exhausting in a way that can start to affect how you feel about your own children, and about yourself as their parent. That is common, very rarely said out loud, and a better reason to talk to someone than almost anything else on this page.

Common questions

Should I make them apologise to each other?: Not in the moment. A coerced apology teaches the word as a way to end trouble. Repair a few minutes later, when they can mean some of it, does more.
Is it normal for them to fight this much?: Frequent conflict between young siblings is extremely common, particularly when both are under five and the younger has become able to retaliate. Frequency is less informative than direction — whether it is easing or escalating over months.
How do I stop the older one always getting blamed?: Assume you missed the start, and respond to what happened rather than who you think began it. Handling the hurt first and the cause briefly avoids most of the unfairness that builds resentment.
Will they grow out of it?: Most of the volume goes as language and impulse control develop, and the relationship usually survives it well. What predicts the long-term relationship is much more about how conflict was handled than how much of it there was.

Written from the same sources we cite everywhere else, and it is not a substitute for your own doctor. If something feels wrong to you, that instinct is a good enough reason to call — you know this child better than any page does.