When your partner has had a miscarriage

She is recovering physically too

This gets forgotten because the grief is louder, and it is worth knowing what the body is actually doing.

The NHS describes tummy pain that may last a few days and vaginal bleeding or spotting that may last up to two weeks. Feeling physically better takes days or weeks, and can take longer.

Their self-care advice is unglamorous and it is exactly where you come in: rest if she needs to, acetaminophen for pain, and talking to a partner, family or friends about how she feels. A hot water bottle is on the list too.

One practical note that avoids an awkward conversation: the NHS says not to have sex until miscarriage symptoms have gone, because of infection risk. Do not make her be the one to raise it.

And the timeline runs longer than most people expect — it can take up to eight weeks before a period returns, and a few months before cycles are back to normal. Which means reminders keep arriving for a while after everyone else has moved on.

What to actually say

Name it. Use the words — the baby, the miscarriage, the due date. Talking around it to avoid upsetting her communicates that it is unmentionable, and she is already thinking about it constantly.

"I'm so sorry. I loved them too." Or simply: "This is awful and I'm not going anywhere."

Ask rather than assume: does she want to talk about it, or be distracted from it, or just have you sit there? The answer changes daily and asking each time is not a failure of intuition.

Avoid, however kindly meant: at least it was early; at least you know you can get pregnant; everything happens for a reason; it was nature's way; you can always try again. Each one is an argument for feeling less, delivered to someone entitled to feel exactly as much as she does.

Also avoid rushing to solutions — the next appointment, the plan, the supplements. There is a time for that and it is not the first week.

Take the logistics

This is the most useful and least discussed part, and it is genuinely yours to own.

Tell the people who need telling. Being asked "how's the pregnancy going?" by someone who did not know is a wound she should not have to keep re-opening. Make the calls and the messages.

Handle the appointments — booking them, driving, being in the room, writing down what is said. Nobody retains information well in that room.

Cancel and reschedule the things. Deal with the antenatal booking, the class, the plans that now need unmaking. Every one of those is a small ambush if she does it herself.

Do the ordinary running of the house without being asked or announcing it. Food, laundry, the older children if there are any.

Keep the diary. Anniversaries, the due date, scan dates — those days land hard and often arrive unannounced when only one of you has been counting.

Your grief is not a distraction from hers

You lost the pregnancy too, and the NHS says it directly: support is also available for partners, because losing a baby can be a very painful experience for partners as well.

The default position — be the strong one, park your own feelings, get through it — is understandable and it has two costs. It leaves you with no outlet, and from the outside it looks like you are fine, which is one of the loneliest things she can be looking at.

So let it show sometimes. Crying in front of her is not a failure of support; it tells her the loss was real to someone else.

You are also allowed your own support, and you do not have to wait until she is better to have it. Talk to someone — a friend, your GP, a counsellor. Partners are frequently the ones nobody asks after, including at the appointments, where you are treated as the driver.

The longer stretch

Grief does not resolve in the fortnight everyone else allows. Keep asking after the first month, when the messages have stopped arriving and the assumption is that it is over.

Expect to be out of step with each other. One of you will still be searching for a cause while the other has stopped; one will want to try again before the other. Neither is a verdict on how much either of you cared, and saying where you actually are — rather than where you think you should be — prevents most of the damage.

Follow her lead on other people's pregnancies and baby news. She may need to skip things, and backing that without making her justify it is worth a great deal.

Do not set a deadline, out loud or privately, for when she should be over it.

When it is more than grief

If she is not eating or sleeping over weeks rather than days, or cannot function at work or at home.

If she is drinking noticeably more, or withdrawing from everyone.

If the self-blame is fixed and unshakeable no matter how often it is answered.

If she says anything at all about not wanting to be here, or about harming herself. That is an urgent conversation with a doctor or emergency services today, not something to watch.

The NHS notes counselling may be offered, and that you can ask a GP or the pregnancy unit for it. Asking on her behalf is a legitimate thing to do when she has no capacity to arrange it.

And the same list applies to you.